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Tantrums and How Parents Can Tolerate Them
Despite best efforts, toddlers will have tantrums. Here at KidiHealth, we have studied tantrums as we build and improve our daycare app and surrounding services. We have found that how parents deal with them will either make the terrible twos pass in the blink of an eye or continue on into the terrible threes and beyond.
Tantrums seem to happen when parents least want them: a friend’s living room, the grocery store checkout, the doctor’s office, etc. Tantrums are initially a battle of wills, and most often occur when your toddler wants something and you refuse or he is unable to communicate his needs and his frustration gets the better of him. This results in a tantrum. A parent’s initial instinct is to give in to his demands or do whatever you can to end the chaos before too many people notice.
Unfortunately, this creates future problems. Your child quickly learns, almost instantly, that a tantrum is the key to all her desires. Whether she has to scream for 2 minutes or has a full 20 minute meltdown, if you give in, she will continue to do the same until you learn to give in at the first signs of a red face.
Tantrums often start early on in the toddler phase; that is a normal part of her development. She is frustrated because she cannot communicate her needs effectively, and this very quickly turns to anger and tears.
It is important that you as a parent take time to consider your plan of action. If your toddler goes into the tantrum mode, be strong and do not give in. Have a plan for distraction, as that is the best way to avert a tantrum in toddlers. This, of course, is easier to do if you’re at home or in familiar surroundings.
Take time to consider your plan of action. Have a plan for distraction, as that is the best way to avert a tantrum in toddlers.
If you are out shopping or over at a friend’s house, you may wish to remove your child to a quiet place, reminding them that when they are calm and ready to behave, they can have a cuddle and you will continue on with your day. Do not give in to demands or protests.
Your actions and reactions as a parent are often different to your actions and reactions in daily life when it concerns other people. You wouldn’t let an employee or a friend get away with that behaviour yet when it’s your own child, many parents will allow almost anything if it mean stopping your child’s tantrum.
Our KidiHealth research has taught us that you should make a commitment to yourself to deal with each tantrum in the same way. That means staying firm but fair. By doing that, you will be teaching your child a valuable life lesson. Your children want and need to learn from you, and to feel secure within their boundaries.
Here are a few KidiHealth key points to remember when facing a child having a tantrum:
- Ignore unwanted behaviour, as even negative reactions to bad behaviour can be seen as a reward;
- Intervene before your child reaches full meltdown. By using distractions in the early stages of a tantrum, that is often enough to stop an escalated tantrum before it erupts.
- If it is safe to do so and your child cannot be stopped from having a tantrum, remove her to a safe place and tell her firmly that when she has calmed down and is ready, she can come to you for a cuddle and you will find an activity to do together.
- Once this takes place, praise your child for her decision to calm down, and reward her with a cuddle. Reinforce this by praising her regularly when she has done something well. In time, she will learn the rules.
- Rewards can result in good behaviour. Rewards can be as creative as you like, especially if you create a visual reference for your child, such as an awards chart. They can then see how well they are doing, and if they continue on with the good behaviour, it may even lead to bigger rewards later on.